you only die 3 times


You only die 3 times in your life. Experiencing 2 deaths and dying completely from 1. The first death happens early on in life.

You are innocent, curious, carefree. At first you die from being smothered, suffocated, choked, you die a sad death, oxygen is cut off and you are buried, buried deep, so as not to ever resurface. The world does not want you, you serve it no purpose, you must die, but the body is ready to be revived. Sometimes you can hear its laughter but you smother it out, you silence it, you ignore it. It should be cared for, it should be revered but the world wants it lifeless.

The 2nd death, is different for many. It is when you can’t take it, the world becomes a heavy burden, something revives and takes over, something thats been buried deep, it has now become resurrected, the purity ignites within you again. The purity before the world, that preceded the world. It’s clawing its way back to the surface, climbing for air, to breathe once more, to breath fresh new air. You can’t help but let it take over, to rid yourself of the world, to get back what you lost so prematurely, what you’ve been repressing is coming back full force and its wish is to destroy you. It seeks to end your life, it wants revenge for what you’ve done, for the neglect, the pain, the torture, that you put it through during the years and now you are too weak to stop it. Throughout the years, it has grown in its hatred, for you and for everyone, it’s too powerful for you to control now, you cannot bury it, you cannot smother it any longer. You die slowly and painfully. A new you is born from the carnage but it is a perverted and mutilated form of yourself constructed from decades of decay. You realize it is far too late now, the world has won, you let it win, in your own ignorance, in your cowardice. The world chewed you apart and spit you out.

Years fade into memories, but you’ve forgotten most memories, you’ve forgotten a lot, you’ve even forgotten how to live, to truly be in this world and not be consumed by it. You are now dead, completely.



Guilt (freeverse)

a shroud of guilt 

has followed me all my life

of what im guilty of 

i don't know

maybe sins of a past life 

could it be that simple?

so much guilt 

and guilt for nothing

i need to ask for permission

to someone, something

to enjoy myself

and unburden my guilt

the infernal withdrawal to solitude

releasing myself back to nothing

then i escape my guilt

fleeing away from something

but how can i spend a life in nothing?

that is not worth living

i must carry my guilt 

with no remorse

Vile (freeverse)

you pierced your claws

into my flesh

contorting me how you desired

you tore me apart

as you wanted it to be done

i have become a shell for you 

an empty vessel 

for you to fill 

my blood, my flesh

have become the means

for your entertainment 

you've penetrated my world 

you have become my world

without you i am lost 

without you i am nothing

your torture is all i know 

and i can't stop loving you

Late (freeverse)

i'm late

i've overslept

the train, it left without me

i didn't arrive on time

everyone got on 

and i'm just here, sitting on the benches

i guess i'm missing out

they've all gone without me  

the weather is quite nice

it's awfully lonely though 

wonder if it will come round again

maybe then i can get on

and figure what this is all about


Slave to Myself (freeverse)

I have strayed away
I have neglected 
The very thing that will make me whole 
I have rejected it, in pursuit of something illusory
Something easier to attain 
Something I can make sense of
I realize this now
That i have been tormenting myself
That it was right in front of me 
But i was blinded 
From the very thing i've wanted
Now the restraints are gone
Pillars of self-induced conflicts have collapsed
I realize now 
My chains have been broken 
I've freed myself
From the maliciousness of myself
Liberated from my constraints 
It was meant to be this way 
I had to suffer
I had to be master and slave 
I had to be in the dark
To be shown the light 
But it's fleeting me
Getting darker
Escaping my grasp as i come closer
And i continue to stop its fruition
Halting its progress
Putting my chains back on
For moments of comfort  
Moments of ease and peace
Moments of obedience
Maybe it isn't the right time
I am still so fractured
Looking for the whole
But i'm too afraid to put the pieces together
I am not ready 
I still must suffer for it
Before i can embrace its beauty 
For it blossoms in suffering 
And i am still a slave 
But now i'm aware of my chains 
And freedom is terrifying 
Though my fate 
is to be free