my curse (freeverse)

my loneliness, my curse
i find peace but chaos comes as well 

something i draw back into, my comfortability  
something i also want to escape

it's this suffering inside my loneliness
a suffering in its core 
on the outside it gives me what i am but conflicts me
i want to stay away, i don't want to join in 
but i always come back, i always hate it

this indecision tearing me apart
a constant paradox 
wanting and searching 
finding than abandoning 
never ending

all these people i try to escape but it is in them, i am me
it is in them, the thing i want most
once i get it, i  retreat
push away from this source i long for 
going back into loneliness

i don't understand, maybe i never will 
the best people are all in my head
it all makes sense there 

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